~The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
~You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
~Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
~Your children begin to look middle aged.
~You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
~Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
~You look forward to a dull evening.
~Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
~You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
~You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
~Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
~You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
~Your back goes out more than you do.
~Your Pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
~The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
~You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
~You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
~You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
~You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
~You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
~You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
~You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
~You are proud of your lawn mower.
~Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
~You call Olan Mills before they call you.
~Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
~You sing along with the elevator music.
~You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
~You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
~You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
~You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
~You make an appointment to see the dentist.
~You no longer think of speed limits as a challange.
~Neighbors borrow your tools.
~People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
~You have a dream about prunes.
~You answer a question with, "because I said so."
~You send money to PBS.
~The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
~You take a metal detector to the beach.
~You wear black socks with sandals.
~You know what the word "equity" means.
~You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
~Your ears are hairier than your head.
~You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
~You got cable for the Weather Channel (sometimes referred to as "Old Folks MTV").
~You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
~You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
~Your house catches fire and the first thing you grab is your Metamucil.
~It takes twice as long to look half as good.
~It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
~Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
~When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
~When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
~Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
~You and your teeth don't sleep together.